Getting Things Off My Chest

So many times have I found myself just sitting here wishing you were in my arms and that I was in yours! It just doesn't feel right knowing that what we had was real and that you threw it away. My family and friends loved you and most of them still do. Most of them know my feelings for you still are hard. They ask me why I put up with it and I tell them that I know I shouldn't but I just have this feeling that makes me so curious. We've known each other for almost close to 5 years and didn't start getting close for the last 2 years.  I remember the day 2 years ago when we realized that we weren't to different from each other. I was engaged to my first fiance in which we both know was a complete asshole who did nothing but abuse me and treat me like a slave. I still to this day never knew why I said yes to him when clearly it didn't work out.

We were at a party celebrating a mutal friends birthday [the friend in which became my second ex-fiance in which he didn't nothing but treat me like I was just there for sex and not for love] and you left a little shortly before I arrived. I don't quite remember why but after that day I never saw you again until I was with my second fiance in which we spent a lot of time over there because to him you were his best friend in which we both now know that he's annoying as hell and immature as fuck. But the day that I feel head over heals for you was the day you showed that you'd help any friend who was in serious trouble no matter what the situation is, and to this day I wonder if you still would.

The 3 months that we were together were the best! I always had a smile on my face even if I was going through a hard time. I remember a couple nights you let me cry for 5 minutes because I missed my uncle yet when you knew I need to get stronger. I would never cry for more than 5 minutes because after the 5 minutes you looked at me and reminded me that my uncle wouldn't want me crying, he'd want me to be strong! That's what made me happy was because you'd remind me to be strong when I didn't and it made me fight the feeling. The last time I held the picture of my uncle was the last time you told me that. I've tried to cry whenever I missed him or remembered that he wasn't going to be around for the holidays but I told myself that you said I needed to be strong.

I even remember when we split. I tried to cry and you wouldn't let me. You told me that if I cried you were gonna cry and you didn't want to see neither of us cry! But we both cried anyway, which wasn't for long because we talked and split mutally and then I packed my valuable belongings and went to my sisters. I have to admit the break up was hard, especially after I found out that you cheated on me! I never got pissed, I never got angry, and I didn't want revenge. I wanted answers, yet we both needed space and we respected the space that each other needed.

Then I found out things through people that you were leaving her. I was happy because it hurt me to see that she didn't treat you the way I treated you at all. When I realized that I wondered what was going in your head. Wondered whether you regretted the decision. Yet again I found myself saying the same thing, I was wanting answers.
We started talking again around Thanksgiving and when you texted me it was relieve. Yet I walked slowly on eggshells and I still do! I can't help but find myself forgiving you for what you did but not forgetting. Almost like God's testing me and right now I think I'm winning. Cheater's, liars, and stealers never win. I don't consider you a cheater because I never caught you cheating on me. I found out through family in which they told me you told them but yet I can't find myself to believe it because it doesn't seem like its the guy I know who did it to me.
I see you for who you are inside and not who you are outside. There is a nice, caring, loving guy in the inside and your fighting the feelings because your scared to admit that you feel the same way. At the current moment I am the same but that don't change my feelings. I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the stuff that made me fall in love with you, but that don't change. Obvisiously they say first loves are hard to get over...BUT YOUR NOT MY FIRST. I still feel the connection and it don't want to break. That's what makes this so hard.
I had to get that off my chest yet I know there is still more.

Update for you all!

Hello Friends,
A lot has gone on since I last updated you so I will try and think of all what has happened and give you all one big update for now.

I went back to school for another semester in which the Winter 2008 semester start January 15 for me in which I was enrolled in two classes in which one was four credit hours and the other one was three credit hours.  Math 150 (4 Credit Hours{CH}) was getting hard for me so I withdrew from that class so that it would not ruin my GPA which currently at the moment is a 3.0 and it is better than my 2.6 GPA for High School.  English 152 (3 CH) is the class that I am still in until May 1st and that is going great.  I have only written 4 papers for it in which 3 I am turning in for my Final Portfolio.  In the English classes that I have taken and only have to take I have only had Final Portfolios and no exams.  So I am currently done with any and all papers until my next semester; which I hope is Fall 2008.

I hope that I have said this already but I am not quite sure I have said this already but Zac, my fiance, asked me to marry him about five to seven days after Christmas.  I did say yes and the date is set for sometime in July of 2010.  We are hoping that I am done with school then, if not I believe that I should be halfway done with my degree.

Also I moved out of my parents on April 1st.  Zac and I went to her on that day after I got out of school to explain to her how the apartment situation was going.  Zac and I were trying to talk to her like civilized adults.  Well, she did not want to have a civilized conversation and just went off on Zac.  I did not take that well and I started to cry.  I snapped back at her when she started to tell Zac she is not moving out and she is not quitting her $10/hr job just so she can live with you.  And she dropped out of her math class so she could spend more time with you.  She was just blaming so much on Zac that I blew up on her and told me to watch me walk the fuck out of the door.  That is exactly what I did was walk out the door.  I was devistated for hours.

But anywho, we are now in the apartment in Toledo Ohio and I am absolutely loving it here.  I am starting to get comfortable to go out and adventure on my own but before I get myself lost I at least want one of the guys to be with me when I do try and find my way around Toledo.  Toledo is such a big city that a girl like me just cannot adventure out on her own, especially at night.

Well, I think that I have updated for you guys well enough.  Actually I did miss something, I lost 40 pounds since I quit my job at McDonald's in July 2007.  I am even on my way of losing more since I have stopped eating three big meals a day and I only eat one big meal a day and snack lightly during the time between my last big meal and my next big meal.  Some days I am lucky to get a real nice snack in between meals.

Well, I guess that is it for now.
Later,
Mandabear