My Organized Chaos Life: The Newest News

Well most of you who keep up on here know that I am a busy person. Some know that I am struggling in life and some know that I am also happy. Many don't know the full story, all don't know the whole detail. I am a person of not being afraid to tell anyone anything that they want to know...but I will let you know when I don't want to go into full detail. But there are just some things that just have to be in full detail for people to imagine what I am going through. This blog helps me out with that and that's what I love about some of you people who comment on anything and give me good remarks or even advice, I do take in affect and take in your advice...I won't follow it all the time to be honest.

Getting back on task I do have to say that the last two weeks with getting to know Andrew [yes this is my newest boyfriend and we are not making any big moves until we both have the same answer] has been the best two weeks ever. I love how he understands me and how I can understand him as well. I will not lie and tell you that I honestly meet him online and yes I was careful when I first started talking to him. Once I got comfortable with him was when I got the connection that both of us felt instantly. But if most of you are thinking that I may be going to fast...I disagree because we do have a distance in the relationship, we are both working on giving each other our full 100% trust but I know he's different then all my other exes because he doesn't push me and is willing to wait when I am ready.

The site that I meet Andrew on was OkCupid. A friend of mine had told me about the site when I had left my ex but I wasn't in any mood at the time to start jumping into anything until I knew that I needed to prove to myself that it was time. Had it been my ex that broke up with me I may have not joined the site within a month but because I left him and I knew that it was time for me to move on, I am glad that the night I joined OkCupid was the night I meet Andrew! Why? I wouldn't be happy today if I didn't join the site! Back on topic again, I get a message from Andrew and we start talking. We connect instantly and ask each other out. We both say yes and continue to talk on the phone each day.

Remember how I said I like to be honest, well I won't lie and say that we haven't talked about the future or even given each other support on trying to get back into college or finding better jobs!! Cause we have and actually are. Since my knee went out plus with talking to Andrew and really being able to connect with God again [yes I said it I have found my relationship back with God with getting together with Andrew] plus with me going back to college that it be time for me to seek a better stable part-time job while going back to school. Well this is were the support from Andrew is coming in great.

I don't quite remembering talking about my "short" employment with Primerica but I was employed by them and recently thought about giving it another try but didn't have the support about a month ago that I do now! Well little did I not know that my aunt [who I am very close to] just hired into that company and she wants to get me back into there!! I told Andrew that I have even given it thought and heard my mother tell my aunt that she would support me [and I am sure she would as long as I listened to what needed to be done]. Well Tuesday I am going to the opportunity meeting to talk it over with my RVP and even the people who may support me [and most of them already do] about setting up a way to help me out with getting this back in line. So I am hoping that things go good with Primerica because I may be back with working with them. So this is the next big step I have made since leaving my ex [having Andrew along for the right is just a plus plus plus].

Another great thing [even though I signed up for the classes before meeting Andrew] is that I am going back to college at Monroe County Community College at the end of the month. I am majoring in Media Arts and minoring in Business. This semester I am two credits shy of being full-time but next semester [Winter 2010] I may end up going full-time. My class schedule is as follows: POLSC 151 Introduction to Political Science, Monday and Wednesday's 2-3:25p; CIS 130 Introduction to Computers, Monday and Wednesday's 5-6:55p; and MATH 121 Technical Math, Monday and Wednesday's 7-8:55p. Classes start August 30 and go to December 13th. Andrew fully supports me and is glad to see that I am going to college to do something that I love. He himself is also a college student!

But not only do I have things to look forward to, I also have my hardships in which Andrew is seeing all the stress that they are causing me. Not only am I not bringing home any income he understands that I hate it and that its pain and a knee problem that is causing me to not work. When I went to the hoedown I ended up popping out me knee, being off for a month and having no pain. Well I went back for two weeks and ended up popping my knee out again. The doctor tells me that I have dislocated my knee cap and that the pain may always be there. Funny thing about that is that he asked me what I did then he asked me, "Are you looking for new employment?" I did give him my honest answer which just so happen to be a yes. This is just more details as to why I am seeking back employment to Primerica.

Not only am I going through the hardship with my knee but my ex is starting to cause me trouble...okay causing trouble may not be the right way to describe it. Its more hurt because he is not living up to his part of the deal since getting all his things back because I was stupidly caringly willingly gave him stuff back without getting the thing that meaned the most to me...MY DIGNITY!!! So since I have something that needs to be paid by him, and given back by him...I'm gonna make him wish he wouldn't have cheated on me. Better yet there are things I know that I am not in any position to tell him but I know that he''s not no better then what he seems. [*Note* It does hurt me to say that I honestly don't see friendship between him and I but I just can't because he just isn't the same person I knew].

With all these emotion, yes this has all been going through my mind, I have to say that with meeting Andrew and Andrew giving me all the support that things are getting better and with having him in my life just makes me this happy as well as him, I'm not wanting the feeling to end. I honestly can't tell you the last time I've felt like this but I have to say that it has been honestly a good 8+ years and I don't want the feeling to end. So even if I take my relationship at a speed that is good for me...please just be happy. If you want to give your advice I won't stop you, I welcome it. Whether I listen...well that will just have to be another blog!

Getting Things Off My Chest

So many times have I found myself just sitting here wishing you were in my arms and that I was in yours! It just doesn't feel right knowing that what we had was real and that you threw it away. My family and friends loved you and most of them still do. Most of them know my feelings for you still are hard. They ask me why I put up with it and I tell them that I know I shouldn't but I just have this feeling that makes me so curious. We've known each other for almost close to 5 years and didn't start getting close for the last 2 years.  I remember the day 2 years ago when we realized that we weren't to different from each other. I was engaged to my first fiance in which we both know was a complete asshole who did nothing but abuse me and treat me like a slave. I still to this day never knew why I said yes to him when clearly it didn't work out.

We were at a party celebrating a mutal friends birthday [the friend in which became my second ex-fiance in which he didn't nothing but treat me like I was just there for sex and not for love] and you left a little shortly before I arrived. I don't quite remember why but after that day I never saw you again until I was with my second fiance in which we spent a lot of time over there because to him you were his best friend in which we both now know that he's annoying as hell and immature as fuck. But the day that I feel head over heals for you was the day you showed that you'd help any friend who was in serious trouble no matter what the situation is, and to this day I wonder if you still would.

The 3 months that we were together were the best! I always had a smile on my face even if I was going through a hard time. I remember a couple nights you let me cry for 5 minutes because I missed my uncle yet when you knew I need to get stronger. I would never cry for more than 5 minutes because after the 5 minutes you looked at me and reminded me that my uncle wouldn't want me crying, he'd want me to be strong! That's what made me happy was because you'd remind me to be strong when I didn't and it made me fight the feeling. The last time I held the picture of my uncle was the last time you told me that. I've tried to cry whenever I missed him or remembered that he wasn't going to be around for the holidays but I told myself that you said I needed to be strong.

I even remember when we split. I tried to cry and you wouldn't let me. You told me that if I cried you were gonna cry and you didn't want to see neither of us cry! But we both cried anyway, which wasn't for long because we talked and split mutally and then I packed my valuable belongings and went to my sisters. I have to admit the break up was hard, especially after I found out that you cheated on me! I never got pissed, I never got angry, and I didn't want revenge. I wanted answers, yet we both needed space and we respected the space that each other needed.

Then I found out things through people that you were leaving her. I was happy because it hurt me to see that she didn't treat you the way I treated you at all. When I realized that I wondered what was going in your head. Wondered whether you regretted the decision. Yet again I found myself saying the same thing, I was wanting answers.
We started talking again around Thanksgiving and when you texted me it was relieve. Yet I walked slowly on eggshells and I still do! I can't help but find myself forgiving you for what you did but not forgetting. Almost like God's testing me and right now I think I'm winning. Cheater's, liars, and stealers never win. I don't consider you a cheater because I never caught you cheating on me. I found out through family in which they told me you told them but yet I can't find myself to believe it because it doesn't seem like its the guy I know who did it to me.
I see you for who you are inside and not who you are outside. There is a nice, caring, loving guy in the inside and your fighting the feelings because your scared to admit that you feel the same way. At the current moment I am the same but that don't change my feelings. I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the stuff that made me fall in love with you, but that don't change. Obvisiously they say first loves are hard to get over...BUT YOUR NOT MY FIRST. I still feel the connection and it don't want to break. That's what makes this so hard.
I had to get that off my chest yet I know there is still more.

Changes, Updates, & More

I just would like to take the time out today to thank you back to the site or even welcome you if your a first timer!! It has been quite a while since I've updated due to things happening outside of the laptop.  Most of it has been working but there has been family issues and other things. But right now we are focusing on the site!! There are changes being made in which you will notice within a month or so!! Those will be discussed later!! But for now I must update you on a few things!!!

Updates:
I have recently within the last four months went from working at Kroger part-time to working at Meijer full-time as a produce clerk. I work the midnight shift which is fun so most of the time I've spent sleeping and working. Also I have trying to get things back to normal after my uncle passed and other things that have happened!! Also glad to mention that I have upgraded my phone to a BlackBerry so I may be able to keep up on things a lot more!!

Changes:
Changes being made to the site is the theme and banner!! I wanted to go with things that showed or has adapted to my personality. Second I am going to be changing The Words of Wisdom Campaign blog to be featured in this blog, which means that The Words of Wisdom Campaign blog will be moved onto this blog. Not only is The Words of Widsom Campaign moving to this site but so are many reviews!! I will find a way to make all previous reviews I have done [whether they be posted on the review site, this site, or any other site] available on this site by July 2010!! Most of my changes I am hoping to have started by January 1, 2010 and have them completely or always on this site by July 2010.

As a small disclaimer I do want to say that this site will be keep organized to the best that I can have it. I would like your feed back and in that case, I may have a feedback page!! I just want to leave you on a small little thought of the day:
When life knocks you down, get back up and fight harder

A New Writing Idea

So last night I was working on falling asleep when all I could think about was how much I missed this guy. A guy who is the one I could tell anything to, one I would love to cuddle up to at night and all that juicy stuff. But anywho thats when I got the idea to do another writing thing [which might require another blog but I'm sure I can deal] that includes writing memorandiums of things that go on in my everday life. But that just something that came to mind.

Its not that I am not bored with writing because I already have two novels that are ready to be edited and published; one that I am working on that is a sequel to the two novels waiting to be published; a true story type deal on how to survive teenage years but I am sure that I can try to make all of it work for me to were I can get those published soon [if not I will find a way to get them out to everyone]. But when I am bored I love to write.

Well that's all for now.

Valentine's Day Part II

Well as I mentioned in my last entry that Valentine's Day is my parents 20th anniversary and I have to say that my parents had a wonderful 20th anniversary. I could say that there were a couple of flaws or almost spoliers to the plans that I incorporated with their plans but I'd be lying. One part of their plans had to be canceled due to the lack of funds but the going out to the bar was one plan that mom was not going to let ruin her anniversary.

They were planning on going out to eat at Red Lobster but since we live in Michigan (and I'm hoping most of you either have heard that Michigan isn't doing so well, or that most of you live in Michigan as well and understand the financial difficuties that most are going through) they had to cancel or postpone it to a different time. That didn't stop mom from getting a great dinner for her anniversary because her best friend (who so happens to be my godmother) saved the day and brought some ribs with her and we had BBQ ribs for dinner in which my mamma and I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner.

Mom had invited a couple of friends [in which most are family] to the local bar in town that we just started going to for drinks, celebration and fun. Well thats were I wanted most of the surprising from myself and my brother. Earlier during the week I had went to my mamma's and made a picture collage that consisted of there engagement picture [which was taken around 20 years ago!], a poem, and some roses and heart clipart. Then I went to Kroger (yes the same one that I work at) and bought a ballon that said "Happy Anniversary" and one that had "Happy Valentine's Day" cause the day to them is both. Well I had my brother ride with me to the bar and told him what it was so that he wasn't surprised to not know what HIM and I both had done for their anniversary.

Him and I even discussed when would be a good time to bring the presents into the bar and we decided to do it when we figured everyone was there (especially my mamma, aunt Patty, aunt Neine, uncle Hap, and aunt Joan) so that way everyone could see how my mom reacted. When mom opened her gift and read it the tears that came to her eyes was just a emotional for me as it was for her. Around a year ago I couldn't begin to tell you whether I thought I'd be able to do something nice for her cause I was engaged to someone that I truly loved but my parents hated in which I moved into an apartment with around April last year (which is ex-douchebag #1) and that relationship didn't end well (any who off that subject please) but it was nice to see her reaction.

Then I knew that I was going to be able to find "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd in the jukebox at the bar and be able to play it for them. Well I did and when mom heard it she knew I played it for her and she told everyone that this was the song that was playing when her and dad got married. Man did I surprise a lot of people when mom said that I played it for them. She just told them Mandi is always rubbing it in Dean's face that she was at the wedding. Yeah mom was around four months pregnant with me when they got married and plus dad has told me and I've watched there wedding video and have remembered that.

So all I got to say that the day went according to plan. I was happy to be able to make new memories for this Valentine's day to make up for the memories that are vaguely clear about last years. So all I want to say is Happy 20th Anniversary Mom & Dad!

As well as wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day!!

IT'S HERE!!! Plus More

Well, the Twilight movie is finally out and I have heard a lot of news that its a good movie and has heard of the many predictions of how much it'll make. Well I also said in my last blog that I might not get to see it. Well come to find out my good friend Kristi is taking me to see it and is also paying for my ticket as an earlier Christmas present. Thanks Kristi, I've been waiting for a long time to see it. So her and I made plans to see it Friday (November 28th) but since I have to work that day we decided to see it Thursday (November 27th) but now we might be seeing it Saturday (tomorrow or in actuality later today) so I am hoping that I can see it later today. I can't wait I'm so excited.

On other news, I have updated MandiDavis.com and hope that all of you who haven't checked it out will because its all designed by me! That's right, I'm a web designer and that's what I am hoping to get a degree for. But I have made major changes. Its all been designed on Adobe DreamWeaver CS3, that's such a wonderful program and since I was introduced to it in my Senior year I loved it.

But the main reason for this post is to simply vent. My friend Baber called me to ask me a question for Scott (my ex-fiance) and it pissed me off. She said that he wanted his RF adapter. OMG, WELL I CAN TELL THAT I WANT MY OTHER GAMES THAT HE LET WALK OUT OF HIS HOUSE AFTER I TOLD HIM THAT THE DO NOT LEAVE HIS HOUSE. I have some what, actually NO INTENTIONS OF RETURNING IT TO HIM UNTIL I GET MY DAMN FUCKING GAMES!!!! Then I was talking to my sister Becky and told her, if he really wanted it then we didn't he calll me himself. She merely reminded me whether I was still ready to talk to him and I told her, no not really. So she had a point there. But she did agree that me not returning it till I got my games was a good idea. So yeah, I've made up my mind and I'm sticking to it. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHASE AFTER MY GAMES BECAUSE HE LET THEM LEAVE HIS HOUSE, HE SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THOSE BECAUSE I LEFT HIM IN CHARGE OF THEM. With that I am beginning to wonder if I can really trust "boyfriends" or "fiances" unless I truly know them. Both of my ex-fiances have really fucked me over or fucked me up. It just pisses me off and if they think they are getting off LUCKY, THEY MUST THINK I'M STUPID BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I'M REALLY PISSED OFF JUST THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.

But yeah I'm done venting but not being pissed off.
Have a good weekend ya'll.

Confused, Need Advice

Ok, so most of you know that I have been going through a rough time. Zac and I have been on a space thingy in which he told me later that night when I called him after getting home whether we were still boyfriend/girlfriend and that we were just spending time to figure things out. He said yes and so I left it at that. Well I found out that he has himself listen as single and looking for a good time on his MySpace profile. It doesn't really bug me but it hurts because I love him still and I know him and I still have a chance.

The first night I figured would be the hardest night because I was not going to be in the same room or bed with him that I was for the last 22 days. But the other day I e-mailed him and told him how I felt because it was on my chest and really bugging me. So that night I went to bed but guess what, I cried myself to sleep. Of all nights to cry myself to sleep it is the night that I get everything off my chest especially e-mailing the stuff to Zac.

But now there is another person coming into the picture. Chris. He is a friend and I am not going to lie that him and I were getting close about four to five months before Zac and I started dating. Well about two weeks before things got out of hand with Zac and I, Chris e-mailed me and it was a friendly e-mail. (Yes Zac, if you read this I think I told you that Chris e-mailed me and I am sorry if I did not let you read it but I was appalled by it myself.)

Now I am starting to hang out with Chris again. The other day I went to hang out with Chris. We watched a movie (The Butterfly Effect) and during the movie he tickled me (which reminded me of Zac because Zac loved tickling me). Well after the movie I just could not help it. I started crying on Chris and the whole time I was crying I was telling Chris all that went on and more or less it was all talk about Zac.

Chris was nice and hugged me and told me that everything was going to get better and maybe this happened to let another thing happen. See Chris is very opinionated and I love it, but Zac was the same way. The whole time I was with Chris he did things that Zac did. Of course Chris is different and so is Zac. Then after I cried Chris made me smile. Zac did the same thing if I ever cried on him.

Chris reminds me of Zac and it really hurts to see him because I feel that if I get into a relationship with him all I am going to do is cry because I am thinking of Zac. Appartantly I am not over Zac and I know that Chris probably sees that. Right now I am really confused whether to wait for Zac or to just let my heart heal and see what happens with Chris.

Please what do I do? I need advice!