Confused & Lonely; Live.Laugh.Love


Well I couldn't fall asleep right away last night and I didn't feel like powering up my laptop so I wrote this on my cell and sent it to my e-mail:

I'm confused and lonely. There are times I just wish that I knew what would happen in a couple weeks from now. But I don't! I also wish that life didn't have to be hard, confusing, lonely, or anything its not right now. The one guy that truly makes things feel better for me right now is four states away and I feel completely lost, scared, and alone 95% of the time; in which its don't not getting better. I just also can't believe that the guy I thought I loved was a phony and didn't truly love me the way I loved him. When things between him and were done I felt like I had died, my parents didn't know what to do because I worse then I was years ago. I'm not asking for sympathy right now because I played along with the game that Zac played but not 100% of it. Then when I felt healed I went to the next guy who tried to fix me but failed and made the whole bigger again, and he's not stopping by saying I cheated. I just wish that I could feel the way I did about two years ago and that I didn't throw my life away. I don't want to say that I didn't learn from my mistake because I certainly did! I just want to try to make my life better but its hard when I'm living from pay check to pay check and not getting any where in life. If only I didn't make that mistake...where would I be now? Close to making something outta my life or further than that?! All I can say is that I'm not perfect and I don't expect no one to think I am or saying that anyone is perfect because it'd be pretty shallow for anyone to say that I or you or anyone else that matter. I did learn from my mistakes; however, I don't expect anyone to go out and make the same mistake because some people handle things differently and I've been told that I handled it well because I'm strong. So I live strong, laugh often, and love much!

Right now all I can say that I look upon this mistake and just laugh. I know that my past isn't much better than the present or for the future. No one can really control what they did/do in their life because if it was possible then I'm sure everyone would be perfect; therefore, the world would be total choas. I have to say that I have been able to live my life regulary because of Philippians 4:8 (NIV) which says "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such thing." That was the first Bible verse that I have been able to keep in my head...all because of my youth pastor challenged me and knew that with what I have gone through that'd be the one that I'd think of everytime. I have to just say that I know I haven't been faithful the last two years but Jesus/God knows that I have repent and that I have made several mistakes and have forgive me because has John 14:6 (NIV) says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."

All I am saying is that before you judge me or want to spread rumors around about things I've done in the past just remember or ask yourself do I have the time to waste to make sure that I'm not reopening something that has been closed in her life. Cause once you do say something that has been told to be let go, you'll get a fight that you WON'T WIN!