Still Alive, Just Busy with Brainstorming

Just a quick update to let you know that I am still hear, I have just been busy with getting back to school [full-time], work [part-time], helping family out, having a relationship, and trying to get back into work for Primerica on top of all this. Summer has always been a busy season but it seems that since I have graduated High School life itself has gotten a lot busier, chaotic, and active! I have done a lot of growing up and I have to say that I am proud with all the lessons that I have learned in my life so far. I have done many things wrong in the past but the things that have been going on lately has made life the more meaningful!! I am glad to have wonderful people in my life and those people know who they are!!

I just wanted to let you all know that things keep going great with Andrew and I am glad that I have him in my life!! I have recently found out that anything that has happened in my day I cannot wait to share with him. Not only that but each night I get to talk to him on the phone makes it special. I haven't seen him in two weeks so I have been busy trying to get it to were I can see him before I get really busy. On top of this blog I got a social life but soon things are gonna keep getting updated.

I am working in a system were I keep this updated more but for now this is all I needed to let you all know at the time!!!

My Organized Chaos Life: The Newest News

Well most of you who keep up on here know that I am a busy person. Some know that I am struggling in life and some know that I am also happy. Many don't know the full story, all don't know the whole detail. I am a person of not being afraid to tell anyone anything that they want to know...but I will let you know when I don't want to go into full detail. But there are just some things that just have to be in full detail for people to imagine what I am going through. This blog helps me out with that and that's what I love about some of you people who comment on anything and give me good remarks or even advice, I do take in affect and take in your advice...I won't follow it all the time to be honest.

Getting back on task I do have to say that the last two weeks with getting to know Andrew [yes this is my newest boyfriend and we are not making any big moves until we both have the same answer] has been the best two weeks ever. I love how he understands me and how I can understand him as well. I will not lie and tell you that I honestly meet him online and yes I was careful when I first started talking to him. Once I got comfortable with him was when I got the connection that both of us felt instantly. But if most of you are thinking that I may be going to fast...I disagree because we do have a distance in the relationship, we are both working on giving each other our full 100% trust but I know he's different then all my other exes because he doesn't push me and is willing to wait when I am ready.

The site that I meet Andrew on was OkCupid. A friend of mine had told me about the site when I had left my ex but I wasn't in any mood at the time to start jumping into anything until I knew that I needed to prove to myself that it was time. Had it been my ex that broke up with me I may have not joined the site within a month but because I left him and I knew that it was time for me to move on, I am glad that the night I joined OkCupid was the night I meet Andrew! Why? I wouldn't be happy today if I didn't join the site! Back on topic again, I get a message from Andrew and we start talking. We connect instantly and ask each other out. We both say yes and continue to talk on the phone each day.

Remember how I said I like to be honest, well I won't lie and say that we haven't talked about the future or even given each other support on trying to get back into college or finding better jobs!! Cause we have and actually are. Since my knee went out plus with talking to Andrew and really being able to connect with God again [yes I said it I have found my relationship back with God with getting together with Andrew] plus with me going back to college that it be time for me to seek a better stable part-time job while going back to school. Well this is were the support from Andrew is coming in great.

I don't quite remembering talking about my "short" employment with Primerica but I was employed by them and recently thought about giving it another try but didn't have the support about a month ago that I do now! Well little did I not know that my aunt [who I am very close to] just hired into that company and she wants to get me back into there!! I told Andrew that I have even given it thought and heard my mother tell my aunt that she would support me [and I am sure she would as long as I listened to what needed to be done]. Well Tuesday I am going to the opportunity meeting to talk it over with my RVP and even the people who may support me [and most of them already do] about setting up a way to help me out with getting this back in line. So I am hoping that things go good with Primerica because I may be back with working with them. So this is the next big step I have made since leaving my ex [having Andrew along for the right is just a plus plus plus].

Another great thing [even though I signed up for the classes before meeting Andrew] is that I am going back to college at Monroe County Community College at the end of the month. I am majoring in Media Arts and minoring in Business. This semester I am two credits shy of being full-time but next semester [Winter 2010] I may end up going full-time. My class schedule is as follows: POLSC 151 Introduction to Political Science, Monday and Wednesday's 2-3:25p; CIS 130 Introduction to Computers, Monday and Wednesday's 5-6:55p; and MATH 121 Technical Math, Monday and Wednesday's 7-8:55p. Classes start August 30 and go to December 13th. Andrew fully supports me and is glad to see that I am going to college to do something that I love. He himself is also a college student!

But not only do I have things to look forward to, I also have my hardships in which Andrew is seeing all the stress that they are causing me. Not only am I not bringing home any income he understands that I hate it and that its pain and a knee problem that is causing me to not work. When I went to the hoedown I ended up popping out me knee, being off for a month and having no pain. Well I went back for two weeks and ended up popping my knee out again. The doctor tells me that I have dislocated my knee cap and that the pain may always be there. Funny thing about that is that he asked me what I did then he asked me, "Are you looking for new employment?" I did give him my honest answer which just so happen to be a yes. This is just more details as to why I am seeking back employment to Primerica.

Not only am I going through the hardship with my knee but my ex is starting to cause me trouble...okay causing trouble may not be the right way to describe it. Its more hurt because he is not living up to his part of the deal since getting all his things back because I was stupidly caringly willingly gave him stuff back without getting the thing that meaned the most to me...MY DIGNITY!!! So since I have something that needs to be paid by him, and given back by him...I'm gonna make him wish he wouldn't have cheated on me. Better yet there are things I know that I am not in any position to tell him but I know that he''s not no better then what he seems. [*Note* It does hurt me to say that I honestly don't see friendship between him and I but I just can't because he just isn't the same person I knew].

With all these emotion, yes this has all been going through my mind, I have to say that with meeting Andrew and Andrew giving me all the support that things are getting better and with having him in my life just makes me this happy as well as him, I'm not wanting the feeling to end. I honestly can't tell you the last time I've felt like this but I have to say that it has been honestly a good 8+ years and I don't want the feeling to end. So even if I take my relationship at a speed that is good for me...please just be happy. If you want to give your advice I won't stop you, I welcome it. Whether I listen...well that will just have to be another blog!

Changes: Good vs. Bad

Well most of you really have no clue as to who I am and are clueless as to why I blog and why I am so avid with this blog. It has been my avid dream to have my own website, business, and do good in life doing what I love to do. That is why this and Creative Ellusions has been a huge project to me after graduation. Well my love for computers has to start way before graduation and probably even began while I was in middle school. All because my father found it the only thing that brought us close and because it was something that interested me to the point that if I continued to ask questions, he'd answer and I'd make him proud. Which was why after a while I kept telling myself that I was going to go to college for a degree that had to deal with messing with computers.

Well graduation (Sunday, June 3, 2007) was coming quicker and quicker. I knew with the way I acted in High School that I probably wouldn't get a free ride to college on a scholarship for sports and good academics, all because I hardly applied myself my freshman year and had a hard time barely getting back on the good in the academics my Sophomore year. But I made the best with the $500 scholarship that I had received for College just days before my graduation ceremony. Graduation came and I was the proud that I had finally reached my goal of just graduating High School.

Well a couple days after graduating from High School, my mom had me fill out an application at a job she was working at that I just so happen to get a job offer from the day I turned 18 and 10 days later started. I started working at this place on August 1, 2007 and by August 15th I was enrolled into College and had college classes started by August 31st. Things were changing good for me. I had a full time job, was going to school part-time, still single and not letting things get in the way. That's when I meet Zac [my first fiance].

Don't get me wrong I did love Zac the whole time I was in a relationship with him. But I do have to admit that I was blind the whole time I was with him and he was using me for the money. I do have to admit though he was really supportive over me and did have a heart for me but once he realized that my dreams were coming true and that I was happy, he used that to his advantage. He got phones out of me, love, sex, everything that he could imagine. Don't get me wrong with my good choices I was trying to get him to get his life back on track and it was working to a degree. Worked all the way until we moved to Toledo together, he stopped taking my medicine and saw that he was starting to ruin me.

Mind you by this point I had quit my full-time job and was officially jobless [for an enitre month], broke, and starting to worry whether I could go back to College for a second year. I did however earn 6 college credits when I was with Zac. So when I moved back to my parents after he dumped for me trying to make my dreams come true while trying to make a life with a man that I was engaged too. I ended up getting my job back at McDonald's, and then that's when I hook up with a good friend from church, Scott.

Scott was the second guy that I got serious with since graduation. He's the second fiance that I thought was going to a good guy. Shortly after hooking up with Scott I got hired into Kroger were I had a new start at a new job that I was hoping would get me far in life. I was also starting to figure out whether I could try to get back into college. A month after hooking up, Scott and I are layin in bed and he proposes. Out of the blue he just looks at me and says, "Will you marry me?" I [dumblying] say yes. Well about a week or two after Scott proposes and its made as a more official engagement on this one as the last one I start seeing the true colors of Scott. So I break up with Scott.

Now I am single again, working part-time at Kroger, and no idea on how to get back to College. I about gave up on all my dreams and figured I'd just be a part-time cashier living at my parents working on minimum wage trying to earn my way up the damn totem pole. Well then one night Chris's mom [yes his mom] is checking out and starts talking to me. Tells me that Chris is single, that she thinks he may be interested in me and that I should give him a call. So we start talking and that's when things start getting better for me!

Chris [was] that finally brought me back to realizing who I was and what I wanted to do. He made me realize that things were gonna change if I started pushing myself to believe in myself. So that's when I told myself that if he was going to stand by me in all my decisions that he may even keep finding out that I am my own person. That's when I got a better job at Meijer's and was working on getting back into college. Then things started getting worse and then we split up for a couple months.

During our split I go from part-time to full-time at Meijer and was on the midnight shift [making some good money again]. But I was starting to hang out with someone who was gonna take me down with her if I didn't change. My family was noticing, Chris started noticing [only because about a month after we split we started talking and hanging out again], and they were gonna put a stop to it. So I dumped a friend that I thought was going to be a great friend the rest of my life only because I found out something that hurt me...the person was starting to treat the guy I loved [Chris] with the utmost disrespect and was texting him to come over when I wasn't there. Thankfully Chris didn't like her [that's gonna stop that].

We finally get to Febuary 2010 and Chris asks me to stay the night at the new house [he moved to Dundee] and that's when we hook back up. Things start getting back on track, and I'm happy. I start doing more thing that I find I like. I couldn't be anymore happier!! I apply for the Pell grant and continued to be showered by Chris's love. I get a new car, new phone, new friends, and a new lookout on life. But then things started going downhill. I hear rumors that my relationship with Chris is in the ruts, that he may leave me and I fight and think things are getting better...

June comes and we prepare for my brother's graduation. A tornado swipes through Dundee June 6, 2010 at 2:17a. F2, 130-135 mph winds, 800 yards wide and pretty much covers the whole 13.5 miles of Dundee that it could. Dundee is devistated, my brothers graduation party was rained on but a success yet we find out that they canceled graduation because of the tornado. Then he graduates and as things for me and my family get better, things for Chris and I start getting worse. I glance at his phone and finds out that he may be breaking up with me again, I start feeling distant, yet he had no idea.

Today I find out that we need to come up with gas money so we can take my car to Detroit so that Chris can get to court. So he decides that he is gonna go scrapping to get the gas money. Since it was for my car I figured I'd tag along, well he stops me and I come to my parents. While at my parents I log into my college e-mail and college account and find out that I am awarded $8,325 to get back into College. Then I made a decision that I am leaving Chris because I am feeling distant. So I am back to were I can see my future and this is on GOOD CHANGE that has me happier than ever.

So as of today I am back to being a college student working on bettering myself and I couldn't be any more happier. Yes I wish I could have been able to keep Chris in my dreams but I think I'll find the right guy out there while getting my dream reached. So with this change in my life, more GOOD CHANGES are coming not only to me in life but to my dreams, this site, and my goals.

I am happy I got to share this with you and I'm glad that you listened!

Why I Went Back

So as I posted in my earlier blog, Blogging Mobile, I said I went back to the boyfriend who cheated on me and I know most of my readers were all saying that I shouldn't because I deserve better! But I have to agree to a certain degree that once a cheater, always a cheater...but with Chris I don't have to worry because he cares for me and my family! But I do realize that I have left out some details! So I'll give more details!

Chris and I have known each other for a good 5 years but didn't start getting close with each other for the last 2 years! We started talking when I dated Scott, my second ex-fiance who treated me like shit, but Scott forbidded me to hang out with him alone! Well when things ended with Scott and I, I started talking to Chris a lot! Little did I know that we both had eyes on each other for quite a while!

A month or two came along and we started texting each other constantly for two days straight and talking on the phone! Next thing led to another and we started dating! Two days after we started dating I moved into his apartment with him! Things kept getting better! About a month after we started dating I got a new job, then that's when things started getting crappy! I got sick really bad with bronchitis, then my car broke down.

Chris didn't start cheating on me until a week before we split up! What's worse is I didn't find out that he cheated on me until about a week or two after the split! What was weird when he told me about him being with the girl I was completely shocked because the girl told me she viewed him as a brother!

Things were really different during the split and I really didn't like it because I knew Chris and the Chris I saw while dating him was much sweeter then the Chris I saw! What was even weird about the whole ordeal was that the girl, her baby daddy worked with me and we were starting to get freakishly close! But we never dated!!!! There were disputes that were in court between the two and Chris and I were stuck in it as well! I learned a lot and I believe Chris did too! That's why I think that are relationship this time around is a lot different this time then the last!

It was back in November of 2009 when Chris and I started talking again! In fact, it was on Thanksgiving when we started talking again! Which is when things started making progress! We started dating in May of 2009 and around late June I realized that I had found the one I love! So that's why it was so easy to forgive him! I did let him know that I could never forget!

He has proven a lot to me that he has at least felt guilty for how things were! But he knows that I seen and heard the shit he went through and I know that would always be in the back of his mind but he enjoys taking care of me because he isn't looking to change me! I see that in his eyes whenever our eyes meet! So that's how I know that he is the one for me!

I welcome all feedback and will answer any and all questions that ya'll have! However, if I deem it to unacceptable or not comfortable for my answer, please respect my privacy! I may even contact you to answer on a private conversation! Thanks for taking time out of your day to read my post!
~Mandi Lynn~

Getting Things Off My Chest

So many times have I found myself just sitting here wishing you were in my arms and that I was in yours! It just doesn't feel right knowing that what we had was real and that you threw it away. My family and friends loved you and most of them still do. Most of them know my feelings for you still are hard. They ask me why I put up with it and I tell them that I know I shouldn't but I just have this feeling that makes me so curious. We've known each other for almost close to 5 years and didn't start getting close for the last 2 years.  I remember the day 2 years ago when we realized that we weren't to different from each other. I was engaged to my first fiance in which we both know was a complete asshole who did nothing but abuse me and treat me like a slave. I still to this day never knew why I said yes to him when clearly it didn't work out.

We were at a party celebrating a mutal friends birthday [the friend in which became my second ex-fiance in which he didn't nothing but treat me like I was just there for sex and not for love] and you left a little shortly before I arrived. I don't quite remember why but after that day I never saw you again until I was with my second fiance in which we spent a lot of time over there because to him you were his best friend in which we both now know that he's annoying as hell and immature as fuck. But the day that I feel head over heals for you was the day you showed that you'd help any friend who was in serious trouble no matter what the situation is, and to this day I wonder if you still would.

The 3 months that we were together were the best! I always had a smile on my face even if I was going through a hard time. I remember a couple nights you let me cry for 5 minutes because I missed my uncle yet when you knew I need to get stronger. I would never cry for more than 5 minutes because after the 5 minutes you looked at me and reminded me that my uncle wouldn't want me crying, he'd want me to be strong! That's what made me happy was because you'd remind me to be strong when I didn't and it made me fight the feeling. The last time I held the picture of my uncle was the last time you told me that. I've tried to cry whenever I missed him or remembered that he wasn't going to be around for the holidays but I told myself that you said I needed to be strong.

I even remember when we split. I tried to cry and you wouldn't let me. You told me that if I cried you were gonna cry and you didn't want to see neither of us cry! But we both cried anyway, which wasn't for long because we talked and split mutally and then I packed my valuable belongings and went to my sisters. I have to admit the break up was hard, especially after I found out that you cheated on me! I never got pissed, I never got angry, and I didn't want revenge. I wanted answers, yet we both needed space and we respected the space that each other needed.

Then I found out things through people that you were leaving her. I was happy because it hurt me to see that she didn't treat you the way I treated you at all. When I realized that I wondered what was going in your head. Wondered whether you regretted the decision. Yet again I found myself saying the same thing, I was wanting answers.
We started talking again around Thanksgiving and when you texted me it was relieve. Yet I walked slowly on eggshells and I still do! I can't help but find myself forgiving you for what you did but not forgetting. Almost like God's testing me and right now I think I'm winning. Cheater's, liars, and stealers never win. I don't consider you a cheater because I never caught you cheating on me. I found out through family in which they told me you told them but yet I can't find myself to believe it because it doesn't seem like its the guy I know who did it to me.
I see you for who you are inside and not who you are outside. There is a nice, caring, loving guy in the inside and your fighting the feelings because your scared to admit that you feel the same way. At the current moment I am the same but that don't change my feelings. I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the stuff that made me fall in love with you, but that don't change. Obvisiously they say first loves are hard to get over...BUT YOUR NOT MY FIRST. I still feel the connection and it don't want to break. That's what makes this so hard.
I had to get that off my chest yet I know there is still more.

Valentine's Day Part II

Well as I mentioned in my last entry that Valentine's Day is my parents 20th anniversary and I have to say that my parents had a wonderful 20th anniversary. I could say that there were a couple of flaws or almost spoliers to the plans that I incorporated with their plans but I'd be lying. One part of their plans had to be canceled due to the lack of funds but the going out to the bar was one plan that mom was not going to let ruin her anniversary.

They were planning on going out to eat at Red Lobster but since we live in Michigan (and I'm hoping most of you either have heard that Michigan isn't doing so well, or that most of you live in Michigan as well and understand the financial difficuties that most are going through) they had to cancel or postpone it to a different time. That didn't stop mom from getting a great dinner for her anniversary because her best friend (who so happens to be my godmother) saved the day and brought some ribs with her and we had BBQ ribs for dinner in which my mamma and I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner.

Mom had invited a couple of friends [in which most are family] to the local bar in town that we just started going to for drinks, celebration and fun. Well thats were I wanted most of the surprising from myself and my brother. Earlier during the week I had went to my mamma's and made a picture collage that consisted of there engagement picture [which was taken around 20 years ago!], a poem, and some roses and heart clipart. Then I went to Kroger (yes the same one that I work at) and bought a ballon that said "Happy Anniversary" and one that had "Happy Valentine's Day" cause the day to them is both. Well I had my brother ride with me to the bar and told him what it was so that he wasn't surprised to not know what HIM and I both had done for their anniversary.

Him and I even discussed when would be a good time to bring the presents into the bar and we decided to do it when we figured everyone was there (especially my mamma, aunt Patty, aunt Neine, uncle Hap, and aunt Joan) so that way everyone could see how my mom reacted. When mom opened her gift and read it the tears that came to her eyes was just a emotional for me as it was for her. Around a year ago I couldn't begin to tell you whether I thought I'd be able to do something nice for her cause I was engaged to someone that I truly loved but my parents hated in which I moved into an apartment with around April last year (which is ex-douchebag #1) and that relationship didn't end well (any who off that subject please) but it was nice to see her reaction.

Then I knew that I was going to be able to find "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd in the jukebox at the bar and be able to play it for them. Well I did and when mom heard it she knew I played it for her and she told everyone that this was the song that was playing when her and dad got married. Man did I surprise a lot of people when mom said that I played it for them. She just told them Mandi is always rubbing it in Dean's face that she was at the wedding. Yeah mom was around four months pregnant with me when they got married and plus dad has told me and I've watched there wedding video and have remembered that.

So all I got to say that the day went according to plan. I was happy to be able to make new memories for this Valentine's day to make up for the memories that are vaguely clear about last years. So all I want to say is Happy 20th Anniversary Mom & Dad!

As well as wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day!!