Getting Things Off My Chest

So many times have I found myself just sitting here wishing you were in my arms and that I was in yours! It just doesn't feel right knowing that what we had was real and that you threw it away. My family and friends loved you and most of them still do. Most of them know my feelings for you still are hard. They ask me why I put up with it and I tell them that I know I shouldn't but I just have this feeling that makes me so curious. We've known each other for almost close to 5 years and didn't start getting close for the last 2 years.  I remember the day 2 years ago when we realized that we weren't to different from each other. I was engaged to my first fiance in which we both know was a complete asshole who did nothing but abuse me and treat me like a slave. I still to this day never knew why I said yes to him when clearly it didn't work out.

We were at a party celebrating a mutal friends birthday [the friend in which became my second ex-fiance in which he didn't nothing but treat me like I was just there for sex and not for love] and you left a little shortly before I arrived. I don't quite remember why but after that day I never saw you again until I was with my second fiance in which we spent a lot of time over there because to him you were his best friend in which we both now know that he's annoying as hell and immature as fuck. But the day that I feel head over heals for you was the day you showed that you'd help any friend who was in serious trouble no matter what the situation is, and to this day I wonder if you still would.

The 3 months that we were together were the best! I always had a smile on my face even if I was going through a hard time. I remember a couple nights you let me cry for 5 minutes because I missed my uncle yet when you knew I need to get stronger. I would never cry for more than 5 minutes because after the 5 minutes you looked at me and reminded me that my uncle wouldn't want me crying, he'd want me to be strong! That's what made me happy was because you'd remind me to be strong when I didn't and it made me fight the feeling. The last time I held the picture of my uncle was the last time you told me that. I've tried to cry whenever I missed him or remembered that he wasn't going to be around for the holidays but I told myself that you said I needed to be strong.

I even remember when we split. I tried to cry and you wouldn't let me. You told me that if I cried you were gonna cry and you didn't want to see neither of us cry! But we both cried anyway, which wasn't for long because we talked and split mutally and then I packed my valuable belongings and went to my sisters. I have to admit the break up was hard, especially after I found out that you cheated on me! I never got pissed, I never got angry, and I didn't want revenge. I wanted answers, yet we both needed space and we respected the space that each other needed.

Then I found out things through people that you were leaving her. I was happy because it hurt me to see that she didn't treat you the way I treated you at all. When I realized that I wondered what was going in your head. Wondered whether you regretted the decision. Yet again I found myself saying the same thing, I was wanting answers.
We started talking again around Thanksgiving and when you texted me it was relieve. Yet I walked slowly on eggshells and I still do! I can't help but find myself forgiving you for what you did but not forgetting. Almost like God's testing me and right now I think I'm winning. Cheater's, liars, and stealers never win. I don't consider you a cheater because I never caught you cheating on me. I found out through family in which they told me you told them but yet I can't find myself to believe it because it doesn't seem like its the guy I know who did it to me.
I see you for who you are inside and not who you are outside. There is a nice, caring, loving guy in the inside and your fighting the feelings because your scared to admit that you feel the same way. At the current moment I am the same but that don't change my feelings. I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the stuff that made me fall in love with you, but that don't change. Obvisiously they say first loves are hard to get over...BUT YOUR NOT MY FIRST. I still feel the connection and it don't want to break. That's what makes this so hard.
I had to get that off my chest yet I know there is still more.

R.I.P. Hollis Wayne Hurst Junior (June 14, 1961 - March 14, 2009)

It seems just like yesterday that I came into the world and I knew you had to have held me plenty of times. I was the first girl among Nick, Eric, Chris, and Jon! No one knew whether there'd be anymore girls in the immediate family and once there wasn't I knew you and I would have a special bond in which we did. I was your angel because you had no daughter so I was the daughter figure in your life (other than Jenna).

I know that I already had a dad but I knew that if anything was going to happen to my dad that you would be here for me. I never had thought that you'd be gone before my dad, or even before you could have seen me have my happy day. I don't even think that we all thought that we would have to lose you this way.

One grand memory that I remember about or bond was that whenever we'd have any get together that you and I would be near each other that I knew I'd have to find my uncle Hap to come give you a hug. When I was little I would come and run and jump and give you one big huge bear hug. Now that I am not so little I would just run and find you, once I did I was in your arms forever.

I really wish you wouldn't have left right before I could have fixed things because I feel horrible because the last feeling that I got was that you were mad at me for leaving grandma's birthday with Heather. I wish I could have stayed longer or even called you sooner to talk to you so that you knew that I understood things bout Heather then what some of the other family members felt about her.

I know most people don't know bout the Nick and Heather situation (to anyone wanting to know its a family matter and that this is just my tribute to my uncle I am doing) but I am hoping that you still love me and wasn't horrifically pissed at me before you died because I just hope and pray we didn't depart on wrong terms. Right now its hard for me to let go and grasp the fact that your dead cause I'm thinking its one huge nightmare that you'll walk through this door telling me to come and give you a hug and that I just had a nightmare...BUT ITS NOT!!!

I just want you to know that I miss you terribly and that I'll always have a piece of you in my heart!

R.I.P. Uncle Hap
Love You Already,
Your Favorite and only Niece,
Mandi Lynn

I'm Fine, I Swear

To: My Friends and Family
From: Your Great Friend
Date: 3/4/09

Dear Friends and Family,
I just want to say that I thank all of you for your continual support in what I do. Yes I am hoping that things will continue to get better and I am sure that as long as I continue to have such great support in all I do I will do great. I don't want you guys to stop believing in me because then that means that you've lost faith in me and that is just the opposite I have for you. I just got to say that please don't ever lose your faith in me because I cannot lose everyones faith. Its what keeps me strong.

As for my love life I just have to say that I am not looking for anything. Justt friendships. I do not want to be hurt again because I don't think I can handle the hurt and heartache that I have felt with the last two. My first love what harder than the last one but I believe my faith got me through it. I'm just gonna stay strong and focus on my future.

Well that's all I have to say for now.

Sincerely,
Your friend

Missing You Is Hard

To: My Dearest
From: Your Sweetheart
Date: 2/18/09 22:15

I'm standing here at work thinking how nice it would be to be standing in your arms but at the moment given I am not. I've not heard from you in a couple of weeks to a month and that is also making me realize how real this time apart from you is killing me. I really long for you to also be here telling me that it is okay and that everything'll get better, but your not. I also lay awake at night wondering if you are thinking the same thing. Its been hard being away from you sice I have figured out how I feel about you.

My feelings for you have changed a lot since our eyes met each other a few odd years back. It's almost like I figured we'd just be acquaintances instead of lovers, but in fact my feelings did a 360. I never thought it'd be so hard describing our parting but it's hard not seeing you. Who would have thought taht we'd be good for each other.

I never thought that someone would take my breathe away to where I have to makes ure my heart is still pumping, but thats what it does everytime we talk on the phone, text, instant message, or e-mail. I would have thought that this wouldn't all be like this after all I have been through but it's not. I never thought that this would like me, that I'd fall hard for someone but maybe your the lucky one.

I don't like the seperation but I guess I've grown use to waiting and wondering. It's hard for me to wonder whether your feelings have changed since the last we talked. Once I see [most of the time] that it hasn't it makes the smiling, dancing like a little school girl dance, the adrenaline, and making sure I'm breathing come back to me. Theres times I wish at a certain moment that you'd know I need that text, phone call, instant message, or even e-mail to cheer me up. But nothing comes. Its hard and I guess I have to deal. I am strong and I'll make it til I hear your voice next.

I love you and miss you much,
Your sweetheart

A New Writing Idea

So last night I was working on falling asleep when all I could think about was how much I missed this guy. A guy who is the one I could tell anything to, one I would love to cuddle up to at night and all that juicy stuff. But anywho thats when I got the idea to do another writing thing [which might require another blog but I'm sure I can deal] that includes writing memorandiums of things that go on in my everday life. But that just something that came to mind.

Its not that I am not bored with writing because I already have two novels that are ready to be edited and published; one that I am working on that is a sequel to the two novels waiting to be published; a true story type deal on how to survive teenage years but I am sure that I can try to make all of it work for me to were I can get those published soon [if not I will find a way to get them out to everyone]. But when I am bored I love to write.

Well that's all for now.

Valentine's Day

As most of you know Valentine's Day is only a day away. Most don't like, most love it, and some people don't know what to do about it. I am one of those people who love it AND don't know what to do about it. One reason I love it is because its one Holiday (and I will explain why its a Holiday for me) that I won't forget but will always cheerish. But first I want to share with you the first Valentine's that will probably mentally scar me for life. Your probably wondering why it'll mentally scar me? Well it all has to do with my ex-fiance Zachary Hess.

Zachary Hess was my first love, oh how I remember him. I meet him through an ex-boyfriend and when I first meet him I thought he was so hot (yes to say that now hurts me) and that there was something about him that attracted me to him. I didn't think that I'd have a chance to be his girlfriend but one never knew. The first time I saw him I thought would be my last time that I saw him so I just decided to be friends. About a year or so later he friend requested me on MySpace and about a couple months later he asked me out. We hooked up on Dec 14 2007 and then was engaged about two weeks later (don't say anything yet because it gets better and you'll realize why I call him ex-douchebag #1). My family never like him because he seemed etchy but since I was young, dumb, and in love I figured him and I would be together because no one (and I mean NO ONE) loved me like he did (bo...I better stop ruining it huh?). Well about two months later (Valentine's Day) was a day I could never remember. Him and I had a very stressful day because his grandma was in the hospital and it was my parents 19 year anniversary. I had work (6:30am-4:00pm) and then school (5:00pm-7pm), where he was going to be at the hospital with his grandma and meet me back at his house after I got out of school. We spent the evening together were I do not remember what we did because the memories with him are mentally abusive. The whole relationship I had with him was different but he mentally abused me...took me for granted and used me. I do know that the greatest memory I had that Valentine's day was were my mom had a Valentine's card for me at the door of my house and that I went to go see my grandma. That's the only great memory I had. I never spent the day with both of my parents for their anniversary and its something I try to always do.

February 14, 1989 is a day that I can say that I will never forget. Why? Well it's the day that my parents got married! Yes they got married on Valentine's Day. Which is why its a holiday for me. So you can only imagine that this Saturday, Feb 14th is my parents 20th anniversary. My mom was around 4 or 5 months pregnant with me, so I sorta can say that I was there with my parents when they got married. I am very proud of my parents and I am happy for them. Someday I hope that I can find a guy that makes me as happy as my dad makes my mom.

On a lighter note I just want to say that before I moved out my mom and I would always argue so sometimes it would make it hard to even be in the same room with my mom for more than 3-6 hours at a time. After moving back home my mom and I haven't had ONE huge argument since then. I am really close with my mom and I have to say that that is the bestest gift and memory that I can tell my mom this Valentine's Day. My dad on the other hand, him and I have really been tight since I can remember.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone and Happy 20th Anniversary Mom & Dad!! I'm so proud of the both of you!!

Confused & Lonely; Live.Laugh.Love

Well I couldn't fall asleep right away last night and I didn't feel like powering up my laptop so I wrote this on my cell and sent it to my e-mail:

I'm confused and lonely. There are times I just wish that I knew what would happen in a couple weeks from now. But I don't! I also wish that life didn't have to be hard, confusing, lonely, or anything its not right now. The one guy that truly makes things feel better for me right now is four states away and I feel completely lost, scared, and alone 95% of the time; in which its don't not getting better. I just also can't believe that the guy I thought I loved was a phony and didn't truly love me the way I loved him. When things between him and were done I felt like I had died, my parents didn't know what to do because I worse then I was years ago. I'm not asking for sympathy right now because I played along with the game that Zac played but not 100% of it. Then when I felt healed I went to the next guy who tried to fix me but failed and made the whole bigger again, and he's not stopping by saying I cheated. I just wish that I could feel the way I did about two years ago and that I didn't throw my life away. I don't want to say that I didn't learn from my mistake because I certainly did! I just want to try to make my life better but its hard when I'm living from pay check to pay check and not getting any where in life. If only I didn't make that mistake...where would I be now? Close to making something outta my life or further than that?! All I can say is that I'm not perfect and I don't expect no one to think I am or saying that anyone is perfect because it'd be pretty shallow for anyone to say that I or you or anyone else that matter. I did learn from my mistakes; however, I don't expect anyone to go out and make the same mistake because some people handle things differently and I've been told that I handled it well because I'm strong. So I live strong, laugh often, and love much!

Right now all I can say that I look upon this mistake and just laugh. I know that my past isn't much better than the present or for the future. No one can really control what they did/do in their life because if it was possible then I'm sure everyone would be perfect; therefore, the world would be total choas. I have to say that I have been able to live my life regulary because of Philippians 4:8 (NIV) which says "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such thing." That was the first Bible verse that I have been able to keep in my head...all because of my youth pastor challenged me and knew that with what I have gone through that'd be the one that I'd think of everytime. I have to just say that I know I haven't been faithful the last two years but Jesus/God knows that I have repent and that I have made several mistakes and have forgive me because has John 14:6 (NIV) says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."

All I am saying is that before you judge me or want to spread rumors around about things I've done in the past just remember or ask yourself do I have the time to waste to make sure that I'm not reopening something that has been closed in her life. Cause once you do say something that has been told to be let go, you'll get a fight that you WON'T WIN!

IT'S HERE!!! Plus More

Well, the Twilight movie is finally out and I have heard a lot of news that its a good movie and has heard of the many predictions of how much it'll make. Well I also said in my last blog that I might not get to see it. Well come to find out my good friend Kristi is taking me to see it and is also paying for my ticket as an earlier Christmas present. Thanks Kristi, I've been waiting for a long time to see it. So her and I made plans to see it Friday (November 28th) but since I have to work that day we decided to see it Thursday (November 27th) but now we might be seeing it Saturday (tomorrow or in actuality later today) so I am hoping that I can see it later today. I can't wait I'm so excited.

On other news, I have updated MandiDavis.com and hope that all of you who haven't checked it out will because its all designed by me! That's right, I'm a web designer and that's what I am hoping to get a degree for. But I have made major changes. Its all been designed on Adobe DreamWeaver CS3, that's such a wonderful program and since I was introduced to it in my Senior year I loved it.

But the main reason for this post is to simply vent. My friend Baber called me to ask me a question for Scott (my ex-fiance) and it pissed me off. She said that he wanted his RF adapter. OMG, WELL I CAN TELL THAT I WANT MY OTHER GAMES THAT HE LET WALK OUT OF HIS HOUSE AFTER I TOLD HIM THAT THE DO NOT LEAVE HIS HOUSE. I have some what, actually NO INTENTIONS OF RETURNING IT TO HIM UNTIL I GET MY DAMN FUCKING GAMES!!!! Then I was talking to my sister Becky and told her, if he really wanted it then we didn't he calll me himself. She merely reminded me whether I was still ready to talk to him and I told her, no not really. So she had a point there. But she did agree that me not returning it till I got my games was a good idea. So yeah, I've made up my mind and I'm sticking to it. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHASE AFTER MY GAMES BECAUSE HE LET THEM LEAVE HIS HOUSE, HE SHOULD BE IN CHARGE OF THOSE BECAUSE I LEFT HIM IN CHARGE OF THEM. With that I am beginning to wonder if I can really trust "boyfriends" or "fiances" unless I truly know them. Both of my ex-fiances have really fucked me over or fucked me up. It just pisses me off and if they think they are getting off LUCKY, THEY MUST THINK I'M STUPID BECAUSE RIGHT NOW I'M REALLY PISSED OFF JUST THINKING ABOUT IT AGAIN.

But yeah I'm done venting but not being pissed off.
Have a good weekend ya'll.

I love Zac and miss him truly

Well, I moved back home yesterday because things didn't go to well.  Zac and I are not getting married and I have a feeling that Zac and I are done with the relationship.  We are going to try and remain great friends though and I hope we do that if the relationship does not work.  I wrote a note to him and I would like for you all to be able to see.  It shows how much I love him.  Well I'll let you read it to determine stuff yourself.

Zac,
I have given so much up for you so that I could move to Toledo with you.  When I was packing my things earlier you told me that you didn't want me to come.  Well then why didn't we sit down and talk just you and me or even us with Tony about how you wanted to get this situation worked out to were none of this would have happened.

Please tell me that you know how much I gave up for you and please tell me that you still love me.  On my way home I cried and I am still crying to this moment that I am afriad that I have no more tears left because I have been crying all day.  You haven't hurt me physically but you have mentally but more emotionally.

The day that you and I started seeing each other you told me you would never leave me and I told you that I would never leave you.  I feel that I have failed you completely because I had to pack my stuff today and leave you.

Even though I might now have divorced parents or one who is an alcoholic and hurt you.  My mom did hurt me in a way that I can never get over.  Her and I constantly fought and still to this day may constantly fight.  But now that I feel I have lost you and I hope that we can find each other.

Please, just help me try to not be a bitch and if we do get back to living together because I need you right now.  I need to get better and I want you to be there every step of the way that I need the help.
Well, I hope that you'll come and get you medicine when your in town the 28th and 29th so that you can get back on it and once you get on it maybe I'll talk my parents into getting me on some medicine or I'll try to get back on my blogging or talk to you about my problems more once we get thing figured out.

I know that we can make it and I am also praying that we make it through.  I love you and will take a bullet for you.  That's how bad I love you.  This morning I wanted to talk to you and tell you what was bugging me.  The thing that was bugging me was I knew that we both needed sleep and once we started laying down, you went with Tony and Drew and I figured you'd want to stay and go to sleep.

Well since you guys took my car, I was worried it'd brake down on you so I stayed up until you guys got home so that I knew that I would not be all tired when you guys called in such.  Plus I was worried.
I love you so much that if this seperation is what will help the relationship then so be it.  Maybe it'll give us time to figure out that we still love each other because I was hoping that this relationship would never come to this.

So just please don't forget about me, if you want you can e-mail me and we can try to work things out.  I am sure we can.  I won't give up on us because if I give up then that means I am a quitter and I can't quit that easy.  I am fighting for us.

I love you Zac! Don't forget that.