Getting Things Off My Chest

So many times have I found myself just sitting here wishing you were in my arms and that I was in yours! It just doesn't feel right knowing that what we had was real and that you threw it away. My family and friends loved you and most of them still do. Most of them know my feelings for you still are hard. They ask me why I put up with it and I tell them that I know I shouldn't but I just have this feeling that makes me so curious. We've known each other for almost close to 5 years and didn't start getting close for the last 2 years.  I remember the day 2 years ago when we realized that we weren't to different from each other. I was engaged to my first fiance in which we both know was a complete asshole who did nothing but abuse me and treat me like a slave. I still to this day never knew why I said yes to him when clearly it didn't work out.

We were at a party celebrating a mutal friends birthday [the friend in which became my second ex-fiance in which he didn't nothing but treat me like I was just there for sex and not for love] and you left a little shortly before I arrived. I don't quite remember why but after that day I never saw you again until I was with my second fiance in which we spent a lot of time over there because to him you were his best friend in which we both now know that he's annoying as hell and immature as fuck. But the day that I feel head over heals for you was the day you showed that you'd help any friend who was in serious trouble no matter what the situation is, and to this day I wonder if you still would.

The 3 months that we were together were the best! I always had a smile on my face even if I was going through a hard time. I remember a couple nights you let me cry for 5 minutes because I missed my uncle yet when you knew I need to get stronger. I would never cry for more than 5 minutes because after the 5 minutes you looked at me and reminded me that my uncle wouldn't want me crying, he'd want me to be strong! That's what made me happy was because you'd remind me to be strong when I didn't and it made me fight the feeling. The last time I held the picture of my uncle was the last time you told me that. I've tried to cry whenever I missed him or remembered that he wasn't going to be around for the holidays but I told myself that you said I needed to be strong.

I even remember when we split. I tried to cry and you wouldn't let me. You told me that if I cried you were gonna cry and you didn't want to see neither of us cry! But we both cried anyway, which wasn't for long because we talked and split mutally and then I packed my valuable belongings and went to my sisters. I have to admit the break up was hard, especially after I found out that you cheated on me! I never got pissed, I never got angry, and I didn't want revenge. I wanted answers, yet we both needed space and we respected the space that each other needed.

Then I found out things through people that you were leaving her. I was happy because it hurt me to see that she didn't treat you the way I treated you at all. When I realized that I wondered what was going in your head. Wondered whether you regretted the decision. Yet again I found myself saying the same thing, I was wanting answers.
We started talking again around Thanksgiving and when you texted me it was relieve. Yet I walked slowly on eggshells and I still do! I can't help but find myself forgiving you for what you did but not forgetting. Almost like God's testing me and right now I think I'm winning. Cheater's, liars, and stealers never win. I don't consider you a cheater because I never caught you cheating on me. I found out through family in which they told me you told them but yet I can't find myself to believe it because it doesn't seem like its the guy I know who did it to me.
I see you for who you are inside and not who you are outside. There is a nice, caring, loving guy in the inside and your fighting the feelings because your scared to admit that you feel the same way. At the current moment I am the same but that don't change my feelings. I'm trying to move on and I'm trying to forget the stuff that made me fall in love with you, but that don't change. Obvisiously they say first loves are hard to get over...BUT YOUR NOT MY FIRST. I still feel the connection and it don't want to break. That's what makes this so hard.
I had to get that off my chest yet I know there is still more.

I love Zac and miss him truly

Well, I moved back home yesterday because things didn't go to well.  Zac and I are not getting married and I have a feeling that Zac and I are done with the relationship.  We are going to try and remain great friends though and I hope we do that if the relationship does not work.  I wrote a note to him and I would like for you all to be able to see.  It shows how much I love him.  Well I'll let you read it to determine stuff yourself.

Zac,
I have given so much up for you so that I could move to Toledo with you.  When I was packing my things earlier you told me that you didn't want me to come.  Well then why didn't we sit down and talk just you and me or even us with Tony about how you wanted to get this situation worked out to were none of this would have happened.

Please tell me that you know how much I gave up for you and please tell me that you still love me.  On my way home I cried and I am still crying to this moment that I am afriad that I have no more tears left because I have been crying all day.  You haven't hurt me physically but you have mentally but more emotionally.

The day that you and I started seeing each other you told me you would never leave me and I told you that I would never leave you.  I feel that I have failed you completely because I had to pack my stuff today and leave you.

Even though I might now have divorced parents or one who is an alcoholic and hurt you.  My mom did hurt me in a way that I can never get over.  Her and I constantly fought and still to this day may constantly fight.  But now that I feel I have lost you and I hope that we can find each other.

Please, just help me try to not be a bitch and if we do get back to living together because I need you right now.  I need to get better and I want you to be there every step of the way that I need the help.
Well, I hope that you'll come and get you medicine when your in town the 28th and 29th so that you can get back on it and once you get on it maybe I'll talk my parents into getting me on some medicine or I'll try to get back on my blogging or talk to you about my problems more once we get thing figured out.

I know that we can make it and I am also praying that we make it through.  I love you and will take a bullet for you.  That's how bad I love you.  This morning I wanted to talk to you and tell you what was bugging me.  The thing that was bugging me was I knew that we both needed sleep and once we started laying down, you went with Tony and Drew and I figured you'd want to stay and go to sleep.

Well since you guys took my car, I was worried it'd brake down on you so I stayed up until you guys got home so that I knew that I would not be all tired when you guys called in such.  Plus I was worried.
I love you so much that if this seperation is what will help the relationship then so be it.  Maybe it'll give us time to figure out that we still love each other because I was hoping that this relationship would never come to this.

So just please don't forget about me, if you want you can e-mail me and we can try to work things out.  I am sure we can.  I won't give up on us because if I give up then that means I am a quitter and I can't quit that easy.  I am fighting for us.

I love you Zac! Don't forget that.