R.I.P. Hollis Wayne Hurst Junior (June 14, 1961 - March 14, 2009)

It seems just like yesterday that I came into the world and I knew you had to have held me plenty of times. I was the first girl among Nick, Eric, Chris, and Jon! No one knew whether there'd be anymore girls in the immediate family and once there wasn't I knew you and I would have a special bond in which we did. I was your angel because you had no daughter so I was the daughter figure in your life (other than Jenna).

I know that I already had a dad but I knew that if anything was going to happen to my dad that you would be here for me. I never had thought that you'd be gone before my dad, or even before you could have seen me have my happy day. I don't even think that we all thought that we would have to lose you this way.

One grand memory that I remember about or bond was that whenever we'd have any get together that you and I would be near each other that I knew I'd have to find my uncle Hap to come give you a hug. When I was little I would come and run and jump and give you one big huge bear hug. Now that I am not so little I would just run and find you, once I did I was in your arms forever.

I really wish you wouldn't have left right before I could have fixed things because I feel horrible because the last feeling that I got was that you were mad at me for leaving grandma's birthday with Heather. I wish I could have stayed longer or even called you sooner to talk to you so that you knew that I understood things bout Heather then what some of the other family members felt about her.

I know most people don't know bout the Nick and Heather situation (to anyone wanting to know its a family matter and that this is just my tribute to my uncle I am doing) but I am hoping that you still love me and wasn't horrifically pissed at me before you died because I just hope and pray we didn't depart on wrong terms. Right now its hard for me to let go and grasp the fact that your dead cause I'm thinking its one huge nightmare that you'll walk through this door telling me to come and give you a hug and that I just had a nightmare...BUT ITS NOT!!!

I just want you to know that I miss you terribly and that I'll always have a piece of you in my heart!

R.I.P. Uncle Hap
Love You Already,
Your Favorite and only Niece,
Mandi Lynn

I'm Fine, I Swear

To: My Friends and Family
From: Your Great Friend
Date: 3/4/09

Dear Friends and Family,
I just want to say that I thank all of you for your continual support in what I do. Yes I am hoping that things will continue to get better and I am sure that as long as I continue to have such great support in all I do I will do great. I don't want you guys to stop believing in me because then that means that you've lost faith in me and that is just the opposite I have for you. I just got to say that please don't ever lose your faith in me because I cannot lose everyones faith. Its what keeps me strong.

As for my love life I just have to say that I am not looking for anything. Justt friendships. I do not want to be hurt again because I don't think I can handle the hurt and heartache that I have felt with the last two. My first love what harder than the last one but I believe my faith got me through it. I'm just gonna stay strong and focus on my future.

Well that's all I have to say for now.

Sincerely,
Your friend

Valentine's Day Part II

Well as I mentioned in my last entry that Valentine's Day is my parents 20th anniversary and I have to say that my parents had a wonderful 20th anniversary. I could say that there were a couple of flaws or almost spoliers to the plans that I incorporated with their plans but I'd be lying. One part of their plans had to be canceled due to the lack of funds but the going out to the bar was one plan that mom was not going to let ruin her anniversary.

They were planning on going out to eat at Red Lobster but since we live in Michigan (and I'm hoping most of you either have heard that Michigan isn't doing so well, or that most of you live in Michigan as well and understand the financial difficuties that most are going through) they had to cancel or postpone it to a different time. That didn't stop mom from getting a great dinner for her anniversary because her best friend (who so happens to be my godmother) saved the day and brought some ribs with her and we had BBQ ribs for dinner in which my mamma and I cleaned up the kitchen after dinner.

Mom had invited a couple of friends [in which most are family] to the local bar in town that we just started going to for drinks, celebration and fun. Well thats were I wanted most of the surprising from myself and my brother. Earlier during the week I had went to my mamma's and made a picture collage that consisted of there engagement picture [which was taken around 20 years ago!], a poem, and some roses and heart clipart. Then I went to Kroger (yes the same one that I work at) and bought a ballon that said "Happy Anniversary" and one that had "Happy Valentine's Day" cause the day to them is both. Well I had my brother ride with me to the bar and told him what it was so that he wasn't surprised to not know what HIM and I both had done for their anniversary.

Him and I even discussed when would be a good time to bring the presents into the bar and we decided to do it when we figured everyone was there (especially my mamma, aunt Patty, aunt Neine, uncle Hap, and aunt Joan) so that way everyone could see how my mom reacted. When mom opened her gift and read it the tears that came to her eyes was just a emotional for me as it was for her. Around a year ago I couldn't begin to tell you whether I thought I'd be able to do something nice for her cause I was engaged to someone that I truly loved but my parents hated in which I moved into an apartment with around April last year (which is ex-douchebag #1) and that relationship didn't end well (any who off that subject please) but it was nice to see her reaction.

Then I knew that I was going to be able to find "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd in the jukebox at the bar and be able to play it for them. Well I did and when mom heard it she knew I played it for her and she told everyone that this was the song that was playing when her and dad got married. Man did I surprise a lot of people when mom said that I played it for them. She just told them Mandi is always rubbing it in Dean's face that she was at the wedding. Yeah mom was around four months pregnant with me when they got married and plus dad has told me and I've watched there wedding video and have remembered that.

So all I got to say that the day went according to plan. I was happy to be able to make new memories for this Valentine's day to make up for the memories that are vaguely clear about last years. So all I want to say is Happy 20th Anniversary Mom & Dad!

As well as wish everyone a Happy Valentines Day!!

Valentine's Day

As most of you know Valentine's Day is only a day away. Most don't like, most love it, and some people don't know what to do about it. I am one of those people who love it AND don't know what to do about it. One reason I love it is because its one Holiday (and I will explain why its a Holiday for me) that I won't forget but will always cheerish. But first I want to share with you the first Valentine's that will probably mentally scar me for life. Your probably wondering why it'll mentally scar me? Well it all has to do with my ex-fiance Zachary Hess.

Zachary Hess was my first love, oh how I remember him. I meet him through an ex-boyfriend and when I first meet him I thought he was so hot (yes to say that now hurts me) and that there was something about him that attracted me to him. I didn't think that I'd have a chance to be his girlfriend but one never knew. The first time I saw him I thought would be my last time that I saw him so I just decided to be friends. About a year or so later he friend requested me on MySpace and about a couple months later he asked me out. We hooked up on Dec 14 2007 and then was engaged about two weeks later (don't say anything yet because it gets better and you'll realize why I call him ex-douchebag #1). My family never like him because he seemed etchy but since I was young, dumb, and in love I figured him and I would be together because no one (and I mean NO ONE) loved me like he did (bo...I better stop ruining it huh?). Well about two months later (Valentine's Day) was a day I could never remember. Him and I had a very stressful day because his grandma was in the hospital and it was my parents 19 year anniversary. I had work (6:30am-4:00pm) and then school (5:00pm-7pm), where he was going to be at the hospital with his grandma and meet me back at his house after I got out of school. We spent the evening together were I do not remember what we did because the memories with him are mentally abusive. The whole relationship I had with him was different but he mentally abused me...took me for granted and used me. I do know that the greatest memory I had that Valentine's day was were my mom had a Valentine's card for me at the door of my house and that I went to go see my grandma. That's the only great memory I had. I never spent the day with both of my parents for their anniversary and its something I try to always do.

February 14, 1989 is a day that I can say that I will never forget. Why? Well it's the day that my parents got married! Yes they got married on Valentine's Day. Which is why its a holiday for me. So you can only imagine that this Saturday, Feb 14th is my parents 20th anniversary. My mom was around 4 or 5 months pregnant with me, so I sorta can say that I was there with my parents when they got married. I am very proud of my parents and I am happy for them. Someday I hope that I can find a guy that makes me as happy as my dad makes my mom.

On a lighter note I just want to say that before I moved out my mom and I would always argue so sometimes it would make it hard to even be in the same room with my mom for more than 3-6 hours at a time. After moving back home my mom and I haven't had ONE huge argument since then. I am really close with my mom and I have to say that that is the bestest gift and memory that I can tell my mom this Valentine's Day. My dad on the other hand, him and I have really been tight since I can remember.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone and Happy 20th Anniversary Mom & Dad!! I'm so proud of the both of you!!

Confused & Lonely; Live.Laugh.Love

Well I couldn't fall asleep right away last night and I didn't feel like powering up my laptop so I wrote this on my cell and sent it to my e-mail:

I'm confused and lonely. There are times I just wish that I knew what would happen in a couple weeks from now. But I don't! I also wish that life didn't have to be hard, confusing, lonely, or anything its not right now. The one guy that truly makes things feel better for me right now is four states away and I feel completely lost, scared, and alone 95% of the time; in which its don't not getting better. I just also can't believe that the guy I thought I loved was a phony and didn't truly love me the way I loved him. When things between him and were done I felt like I had died, my parents didn't know what to do because I worse then I was years ago. I'm not asking for sympathy right now because I played along with the game that Zac played but not 100% of it. Then when I felt healed I went to the next guy who tried to fix me but failed and made the whole bigger again, and he's not stopping by saying I cheated. I just wish that I could feel the way I did about two years ago and that I didn't throw my life away. I don't want to say that I didn't learn from my mistake because I certainly did! I just want to try to make my life better but its hard when I'm living from pay check to pay check and not getting any where in life. If only I didn't make that mistake...where would I be now? Close to making something outta my life or further than that?! All I can say is that I'm not perfect and I don't expect no one to think I am or saying that anyone is perfect because it'd be pretty shallow for anyone to say that I or you or anyone else that matter. I did learn from my mistakes; however, I don't expect anyone to go out and make the same mistake because some people handle things differently and I've been told that I handled it well because I'm strong. So I live strong, laugh often, and love much!

Right now all I can say that I look upon this mistake and just laugh. I know that my past isn't much better than the present or for the future. No one can really control what they did/do in their life because if it was possible then I'm sure everyone would be perfect; therefore, the world would be total choas. I have to say that I have been able to live my life regulary because of Philippians 4:8 (NIV) which says "Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such thing." That was the first Bible verse that I have been able to keep in my head...all because of my youth pastor challenged me and knew that with what I have gone through that'd be the one that I'd think of everytime. I have to just say that I know I haven't been faithful the last two years but Jesus/God knows that I have repent and that I have made several mistakes and have forgive me because has John 14:6 (NIV) says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life."

All I am saying is that before you judge me or want to spread rumors around about things I've done in the past just remember or ask yourself do I have the time to waste to make sure that I'm not reopening something that has been closed in her life. Cause once you do say something that has been told to be let go, you'll get a fight that you WON'T WIN!

I love Zac and miss him truly

Well, I moved back home yesterday because things didn't go to well.  Zac and I are not getting married and I have a feeling that Zac and I are done with the relationship.  We are going to try and remain great friends though and I hope we do that if the relationship does not work.  I wrote a note to him and I would like for you all to be able to see.  It shows how much I love him.  Well I'll let you read it to determine stuff yourself.

Zac,
I have given so much up for you so that I could move to Toledo with you.  When I was packing my things earlier you told me that you didn't want me to come.  Well then why didn't we sit down and talk just you and me or even us with Tony about how you wanted to get this situation worked out to were none of this would have happened.

Please tell me that you know how much I gave up for you and please tell me that you still love me.  On my way home I cried and I am still crying to this moment that I am afriad that I have no more tears left because I have been crying all day.  You haven't hurt me physically but you have mentally but more emotionally.

The day that you and I started seeing each other you told me you would never leave me and I told you that I would never leave you.  I feel that I have failed you completely because I had to pack my stuff today and leave you.

Even though I might now have divorced parents or one who is an alcoholic and hurt you.  My mom did hurt me in a way that I can never get over.  Her and I constantly fought and still to this day may constantly fight.  But now that I feel I have lost you and I hope that we can find each other.

Please, just help me try to not be a bitch and if we do get back to living together because I need you right now.  I need to get better and I want you to be there every step of the way that I need the help.
Well, I hope that you'll come and get you medicine when your in town the 28th and 29th so that you can get back on it and once you get on it maybe I'll talk my parents into getting me on some medicine or I'll try to get back on my blogging or talk to you about my problems more once we get thing figured out.

I know that we can make it and I am also praying that we make it through.  I love you and will take a bullet for you.  That's how bad I love you.  This morning I wanted to talk to you and tell you what was bugging me.  The thing that was bugging me was I knew that we both needed sleep and once we started laying down, you went with Tony and Drew and I figured you'd want to stay and go to sleep.

Well since you guys took my car, I was worried it'd brake down on you so I stayed up until you guys got home so that I knew that I would not be all tired when you guys called in such.  Plus I was worried.
I love you so much that if this seperation is what will help the relationship then so be it.  Maybe it'll give us time to figure out that we still love each other because I was hoping that this relationship would never come to this.

So just please don't forget about me, if you want you can e-mail me and we can try to work things out.  I am sure we can.  I won't give up on us because if I give up then that means I am a quitter and I can't quit that easy.  I am fighting for us.

I love you Zac! Don't forget that.

My Love for Him & R.I.P Uncle Galen

There is a bible verse that I held on to for a while because I wasn't wanting to rush into love and I still don't.  It talks about how love is patient, kind, does not boast and how trusting it is.  Well, I believe that bible verse because love was just that for me.  With praying to the Lord for me to being patient with love and him finding someone who loves me for me and for someone who doesn't wish to change me, I am thankful that today I can say he has blessed me.

Most people say that I am too young to know love, but really most don't know me.  I can possibly be more mature than anyone one who is just starting to get out there in the world.  Love hits a lot of people and most start in the younger years less than the age of 18.  I have heard of plenty of couples falling in love when their in High School and end up getting married and being married for 10+ years.

I don't really care about how people think I should feel towards my boyfriend because they cannot control the feelings that I have for him.  They cannot even tell me things about him that they have heard because whether some or true or not, I still love Zac because he is sweet to me and every time I think about him, hear his voice or even spend time with him, I fall more in love with him.

I know that I have had not the greatest of a past but guess what, no one in the world is fucking perfect.  Everyone has had something go on in the past that they wish they could just forget.  But at sometimes it is very hard to forget about what happen.  I know that I could never forgive myself for ever thinking I could end my own life.  But shit happens.

Baby, all I gots to say is that I want you to be there for me when I feel like I am going to fall on my knees.  I want you to pick me up when I can't pick myself up.  You mean the world to me and I am sure that I mean the world to you.  I don't care what my family thinks of you, you are my world and nothing but my world.  I am sorry but I am sure that I have said that a lot but I feel that if I was to lose you, I would lose a reason to be happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R.I.P Galen W. Davis May 20, 1959-March 27, 2003: I miss you Uncle Galen

Uncle Galen,

I know that God will deliver this letter to you.  I just want to say that today was really hard.  I sort of got excited to be going to grandmas for Christmas because I was going to see you.  But then I remembered that you were not here with us and I almost cried.  I wish that I could see you again because I really want you to meet Zac.  Yes he's my boyfriend and I think that he is the one.  He keeps me on my toes and I keep him on his toes.  He's a very nice guy, I am sure that you'd like him if you got the chance to meet him.

Corey pissed me off today.  He wasn't there and I was also looking forward to seeing him.  I haven't seen him in a year so right now that added some disappointment because I wanted to tell him all about Zac and plus I wanted to see Davey, Chance, and Victoria.  Those are all Corey's kids and they are so adorable.  Well, Davey isn't, but Corey is working on adopting him.

Grandma had Cilia and Dad go through the stuff from the hutch that you like.  Someone asked who was getting the hutch and grandma said that it was gonna go to you.  That's when I had to look at the picture grandma has of you in the dining room.  I really miss you.  When are you going to be painting me a picture?  I want a pretty one.  I want pretty raindrops and lighting bolts.

I just wanted to say that I love you.  And I MISS YOU TERRIBLY.

Love,
Mandi

OMG, I am so tired anymore!

So most of my friends know that I am working full-time and going to college part-time, they understand I am busy. Many if ask, when do you get any time to yourself? Sometimes I ask myself whether I can have time to just rest. Well today I realized that as I get older, I am going to want to do this and do that that all I have time to do is be BUSY.

Last night I had class. Math 090 which I had a test in and got an 85% on it. I did not even study for it. Most of the people I work with tell me, Man, your doing good for not studying. And yes I know that. Maybe I got this special thing that if I don't study, then I don't worry about whether I'll forget the thing that I need to remember for the test.

I also was scheduled for English 151 but I didn't go because I WANTED to go home and get to bed early, but I didn't get to because I was just 5 minutes from getting to were I live when I get to my phone. I was going to call one of my friends, but found out I had a voicemail. It was my mom asking me to go to my Uncle's house to pick up my grandma. So I decided I would turn around to go back to Monroe to get my grandma. I was hoping to leave shortly after my grandma got there but I decided to at least visit til about 8:20. I didn't leave til close to 9 o'clock.

When I got back into Dundee grandma wanted to go to Kroger so I was in Kroger til about 9:30 and I didn't get home til 10 so I wish I sorta went to English but not really.

So I am majorily tired and I think I am going to bed now. Sorry this is probably all confusing, as the title is OMG I am so tired anymore.